“Philadelphia” :60 (Open on Alec Baldwin at a party) SFX: Phone rings. (Alec steps away from the action to take the call) Alec: Hello, John. (Cut back and forth between Alec and John) John: Hey, quick question. Are you a Phillies fan now? Since you couldn’t get Cliff Lee and he went to Philadelphia for less money? Alec: First of all, Yankee fans don’t consider Philadelphia a legitimate sports town. John, You know that. John: I’m worried for you. Are you even prepared for the worst misery you’ve ever experienced in the history of this rivalry. Alec: John, for the last time this is not a rivalry. Just like fire does not have a “rivalry” with kindling. Just like lawn mowers don’t have “rivalry” with grass. Just like America does not have a “rivalry” with Costa Rica. John: Let me ask you something. How do you root for the Yankees? Seriously. It’s like being a huge fan of fascism (the flu). Alec: No. It’s like being a huge fan of winning. Which we do. Relentlessly. John: Not this year man. Not this year. Alec: Classic Red Sox fan. Celebrate in April. We’ll dance in October. 4” John: YOU’LL BE DEAD IN OCTOBER!!!! Too far? Was that a little too much? Alec: I think you know it was. John: Sorry. I just get really worked up. Alec: We all do. “One Hitter” :60 (Alec climbs the stairs to John’s apartment door and knocks. John answers, finishing a conversation with someone inside. Alec immediately punches him right in the face) John: Ow!! What the hell was that for? Alec: You guys didn’t deserve to win that game tonight! You know you didn’t! John: The Yankees won! Alec: Really? (takes his dark glasses off) John: Yes! Alec: Beat. Oh... sorry.... I left my house in the 6th. Reception on the LIE is spotty. John: Did you drive all the way over here just to punch me in the face? Alec: I ran. I was too angry to drive. John: And at no point did you stop and think that this was a bad idea? Alec: No. I still don’t. John: I have to admit I admire your commitment level. (Alec hands John a wad of bills) Alec: Here, get your face fixed. John: I don’t think anything’s broken. Alec: I know, but get it fixed. “Jeter” :60 Alec: Hello? John: Wow, Jeter looked great out there tonight. Alec: You shut your mouth. That man is a saint.... (Or he will be shortly). I have high placed-people at the Vatican working on it. John: All I can say is no one walks back to the dugout more gracefully after striking out. Alec: Krasinski, I'm telling you right now, I will rip your arms off and give them to Derek Jeter to use as weights in the on-deck circle. Some things are just off limits. John: (Derek) Jeter is off limits? You're paying him 54 million. You could buy every man, woman and child in America a Prius. Alec: There's no way that's true. John: The point stands. Good night, Alec. Alec: Good night, buddy. Good night, Derek.